Prone to Wander

Have you ever wandered in your Christian walk? Been tempted to wander? I know I am not alone here. When life is not going as we expected, hoped or even prayed, temptation to go our own way often finds us. When I think of how prone to wander I am personally, the hymn “Come thou Fount of Every Blessing” always comes to mind...

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above…

                                                                                                             

Why do we love this song? I think because we so easily relate to it and it helps us to implore the relentless war we experience as we live the paradox of the Christian life that Paul described in Romans 7:21-23,

“I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.”

Anyone relating here??

There are so many ways that we can “wander” in the different seasons of life we find ourselves in. This is why it is so important that we have people in our lives who will speak the truth to us and hold us accountable. 

These are just a couple examples of areas where I am prone to wander:

When I am sick and tired of “checking the single box” in life, I just decide that I should fix this whole “singleness problem” on my own. This definitely means NOT doing it God’s way, or even seeking the kind of person He would want for me. This is a really dangerous kind of wandering that I am well aware only leads to more trouble. Yet, the temptation is there when I am only thinking of myself – my desires, my life, my comfort. 

I have always demonstrated a TON of self-control in this area – I just don’t like the uncertainty of the dating scene, or rather… the “serial dating” scene.  It freaks me out and deep down I truly DO want what God has for me. Honestly though, sometimes He really frustrates me and since I am a control freak, well… it just seems easier to just take matters into my own hands. I am not proud of this, but I am telling it like it is. 

When my church and the people in it disappoint or hurt me, I just decide that I don’t want to go to that church anymore, or sometimes... ANY church at all. It is so painful sometimes and it is much easier to run away from it than to face it. When I love, I love deeply. I put a lot of time and energy and thought into all of my relationships. While this can be seen as a great quality to have, with it comes a great deal of heartache. 

We are all going to be tempted to wander in some way or another. I think realizing what those areas are for us personally is really important. God is faithful even when we don't understand Him AND when we are not as faithful as we could be. Somehow, someway - there IS grace for each day. I do not really see this until I start looking back, but I know it is there. 

I have not gone off and gotten married just to end the waiting. And I have not left church. 

This is the struggle of the Christian life... but at least there is the "struggle!" :)

Sometimes all we can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have to believe that is enough. 

"Now unto Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord." Jude 1:24-25

Finding Freedom through Forgiveness

Well, this is my second blog post…finally! Sorry for the huge gap between posts. All I can say is, “life happened.” I was not able to mentally focus enough to write, but my heart has longed to begin sharing again.

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. What does it look like to forgive other people? What does it look and feel like to forgive myself? I find the latter to be the greater problem in my life. Let me explain. 

You see, I place a ton of value and weight on relationships. I don’t need a lot of friends, but I do need close friends. I cherish them. There is nothing one of these friends can do to me that I will allow to damage the relationship. Same goes with family. I continue to pursue them and want to connect with them. I am just wired that way. It is a mystery to some people in my life. They do not understand it. 

That is probably because on at least one occasion I have put up with things that actually should not be put up with. I have allowed unhealthy relationships to remain in my life, their toxicity eroding my soul all in the name of love and out of fear of letting them go. 

When I love, I love deeply. When I hurt, I hurt deeply. I detest the severing of a relationship. I will do anything to make it work. 

I often wonder… If I can forgive others for hurting me then why do I find it so difficult to forgive MYSELF for past mistakes? I have a feeling that I am not the only one who finds this so difficult! We are our worst critics. We can be so hard on ourselves – especially all of us who are perfectionists! Seriously, big or small – I hold onto things I have done wrong, or even just stupid things I have done or said that are not even wrong at all – just silly or embarrassing. Then constantly beat myself up over it.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)

I know in my head this is true – but my heart does not always follow. For most of my life I have not lived like this is true. If I do something wrong I think I am a screw up and should be punished, therefore God must think the same way about me! Downward spiral right there. I shut down. This usually will just push me further into sin rather than cause me to simply ask for forgiveness and the ability to go forward with God’s help.

Recently I talked to some friends at church about something in my past that I wish did not exist. I was worn down and burdened by this and had been for many years. I was drowning in the guilt and shame. I finally just hit a breaking point and spilled it. Like vomit everywhere. There was no warning it was coming. For me or for them. But there was no "mess" to clean up afterwards. They were so loving. There was no pause in conversation. No huge eyes glaring at me with no words to say. I admit I kind of feel bad for these friends because some things are just plain hard to know. It can be hard to bear someone else’s burden…someone else’s sin. But their grace and acceptance has been very healing. That night they challenged me to really work on forgiveness. And so I have been…

We all have things in our lives that we regret. I don’t know what yours is and you don’t know what mine is. You have to be careful who you share with, but share with someone if you find that you can’t seem to let it go. It will help to reassure you that your standing with God does not rest on your actions. You can be set free. 

Because I did not deal with it fully at the time (I told a couple trusted friends but never truly forgave), it festered and continued to affect my daily life in a negative way. I did not believe God forgave me – and if I did not believe the God of the universe forgave me, I surely could not forgive myself!

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:10-12)

This is a comforting promise. I have read it many times in the last couple of months. It has really helped me. The things you have done that you regret do not have to be your identity. I have finally realized this. I can let the past be the past and not spend all my days in anger and frustration with myself. It also frees me up to live in peace with others because when I am unhappy with myself, I take it out on other people. I become snippy, impatient, throwing around mean words and giving the cold shoulder. God’s forgiveness covers me. I can let it go. 

I have also read R.T. Kendall’s book called How to Forgive Ourselves Totally and in it he lists 10 reasons why we need to forgive ourselves. They are fantastic!

1.  It is precisely what God wants us to do. This is what many of us have difficulty believing, but it is a sin against God not to forgive ourselves  (Eph. 4:31-32).

 2.  Satan does not want us to forgive ourselves. This keeps us focused on ourselves and living in condemnation.

 3.  You will have inner peace and freedom from the bondage of guilt. There is nothing to compare with the peace and freedom that comes from total forgiveness.

 4.  The degree to which you forgive yourself may directly relate to your usefulness in helping others.

 5.  Totally forgiving yourself will help you love people more. People who do not totally forgive those who hurt them often do not like themselves. It is not surprising, then, that they struggle with liking people.

 6.  People will like you more when you have forgiven yourself. Not forgiving yourself is an exhibition of the wrong kind of self-love. Self-love is preoccupation with your personal desires; loving yourself is respecting yourself as God intends.

 7.  It will enable you to fulfill all God has in mind for you and thus keep you from being paralyzed by the past. When you truly believe you are forgiven and you have totally forgiven yourself, it shows. People will want what you have.

 8.  Your own physical health can be at stake. It has been proven by medical research that holding a grudge can injure your health. Not forgiving yourself is bad for your health, too. This is because you are holding a grudge against yourself!

 9.  Your mental and emotional health is at stake. The main problem all counselors face- whether their clients have religious backgrounds or not- is that of guilt. It pleases God for His people to have good mental health. Forgiving ourselves is a good place to start.

10.  You should forgive yourself because your spiritual state is at stake. There is an inseparable connection between our spiritual health and a good relationship with the Holy Spirit.  Forgiving ourselves helps ensure that the anointing is on us; not doing so means that we forfeit a measure of His presence.

I love the song "History" by Matthew West. The more I let the words sink in the more healing I find! 

Broken but Redeemed Intro

Welcome to my blog! I have considered starting my own blog for a couple of years, but somehow I always managed to talk myself out of it. "I won't be able to do it perfectly" is one of the thoughts that replayed itself over and over in my head. I am your classic Type A perfectionist, but I have finally decided to push those fears aside and take the plunge! Writing has been a passion of mine since middle school so many of you are thinking "it's about time," while others are thinking "YOU?? a blog? really??" Well, all I can say is that it will be an adventure - a messy one - and I look forward to it!

Broken but Redeemed truly is the most accurate title I could have come up with. I went back and forth for a few weeks about what I should title it and honestly, I was getting pretty frustrated (here we go again with that perfection thing). However, as events unfolded in my life during that time only about a month ago, it was as if God said, "here you go - use this!" and so I did! 

As believers in Jesus for our salvation, we are all broken but redeemed! I don't have it all together. I have wished I did. I have acted like I do. I have even prayed that I would! I have spent my entire life trying to "fix myself" even while I was pretending to have it all together. (Yes I know, a little crazy huh?!) I grew up in a broken and law-based home, was introduced 
to the grace of God when I was 19 (through my wonderful friends Ron and Caelin Baker) 
and that is when God grabbed hold of my heart. While I then KNEW who God truly was, the following nine years have been extremely messy! 

It is my desire on this blog to honestly share some of my journey with you. The struggle of the Christian life. The questions. The doubts. The fears. For me to LIVE OUT the tension between "sinful/broken girl on this earth" while also being a "loved/redeemed child of God made for eternity" is challenging to say the very least! It just makes no sense in my head! Just take a look at the definitions of the words "broken, sinful and redeemed" and you will see what I mean... 

~Broken... having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or working order; crushed, fragmented; having given up all hope; despairing.
~Sinful... having broken the perfect law of God; wicked; immoral; missing the standard of perfection established by God.
~Redeemed... atone or make amends for; save someone from sin, error, evil; do something that 
compensates for poor past performance or behavior.

Really God?! What amazing grace that really is! This is the good news of the Gospel, but it stresses me out even though it isn't supposed to! That, in a nutshell, is the struggle of my moments, my days, my life. I have recently found two songs that are now my "anthems" as I struggle to live a grace-filled life. You can listen to them below and I have written out my favorite words in each song:

1. All the Broken Pieces by Matthew West 

So much for the perfect life
So much for the perfect day
It's like no matter how you try
Perfection's just too far away

Did you hear what I said?
Did you read the words I wrote down in red?
I was broken once for you
And no one loves you like I do

And that's the beauty of this grace
It can put the pieces back in place
And shine reflections of forgiveness
In a million different ways

2. Greater by Mercy Me

Bring your tired
And bring your shame
Bring your guilt
And bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me

Bring your doubts
And bring your fears
Bring your hurt
And bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter