Well, this is my second blog post…finally! Sorry for the huge gap between posts. All I can say is, “life happened.” I was not able to mentally focus enough to write, but my heart has longed to begin sharing again.
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. What does it look like to forgive other people? What does it look and feel like to forgive myself? I find the latter to be the greater problem in my life. Let me explain.
You see, I place a ton of value and weight on relationships. I don’t need a lot of friends, but I do need close friends. I cherish them. There is nothing one of these friends can do to me that I will allow to damage the relationship. Same goes with family. I continue to pursue them and want to connect with them. I am just wired that way. It is a mystery to some people in my life. They do not understand it.
That is probably because on at least one occasion I have put up with things that actually should not be put up with. I have allowed unhealthy relationships to remain in my life, their toxicity eroding my soul all in the name of love and out of fear of letting them go.
When I love, I love deeply. When I hurt, I hurt deeply. I detest the severing of a relationship. I will do anything to make it work.
I often wonder… If I can forgive others for hurting me then why do I find it so difficult to forgive MYSELF for past mistakes? I have a feeling that I am not the only one who finds this so difficult! We are our worst critics. We can be so hard on ourselves – especially all of us who are perfectionists! Seriously, big or small – I hold onto things I have done wrong, or even just stupid things I have done or said that are not even wrong at all – just silly or embarrassing. Then constantly beat myself up over it.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)
I know in my head this is true – but my heart does not always follow. For most of my life I have not lived like this is true. If I do something wrong I think I am a screw up and should be punished, therefore God must think the same way about me! Downward spiral right there. I shut down. This usually will just push me further into sin rather than cause me to simply ask for forgiveness and the ability to go forward with God’s help.
Recently I talked to some friends at church about something in my past that I wish did not exist. I was worn down and burdened by this and had been for many years. I was drowning in the guilt and shame. I finally just hit a breaking point and spilled it. Like vomit everywhere. There was no warning it was coming. For me or for them. But there was no "mess" to clean up afterwards. They were so loving. There was no pause in conversation. No huge eyes glaring at me with no words to say. I admit I kind of feel bad for these friends because some things are just plain hard to know. It can be hard to bear someone else’s burden…someone else’s sin. But their grace and acceptance has been very healing. That night they challenged me to really work on forgiveness. And so I have been…
We all have things in our lives that we regret. I don’t know what yours is and you don’t know what mine is. You have to be careful who you share with, but share with someone if you find that you can’t seem to let it go. It will help to reassure you that your standing with God does not rest on your actions. You can be set free.
Because I did not deal with it fully at the time (I told a couple trusted friends but never truly forgave), it festered and continued to affect my daily life in a negative way. I did not believe God forgave me – and if I did not believe the God of the universe forgave me, I surely could not forgive myself!
“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:10-12)
This is a comforting promise. I have read it many times in the last couple of months. It has really helped me. The things you have done that you regret do not have to be your identity. I have finally realized this. I can let the past be the past and not spend all my days in anger and frustration with myself. It also frees me up to live in peace with others because when I am unhappy with myself, I take it out on other people. I become snippy, impatient, throwing around mean words and giving the cold shoulder. God’s forgiveness covers me. I can let it go.
I have also read R.T. Kendall’s book called How to Forgive Ourselves Totally and in it he lists 10 reasons why we need to forgive ourselves. They are fantastic!
1. It is precisely what God wants us to do. This is what many of us have difficulty believing, but it is a sin against God not to forgive ourselves (Eph. 4:31-32).
2. Satan does not want us to forgive ourselves. This keeps us focused on ourselves and living in condemnation.
3. You will have inner peace and freedom from the bondage of guilt. There is nothing to compare with the peace and freedom that comes from total forgiveness.
4. The degree to which you forgive yourself may directly relate to your usefulness in helping others.
5. Totally forgiving yourself will help you love people more. People who do not totally forgive those who hurt them often do not like themselves. It is not surprising, then, that they struggle with liking people.
6. People will like you more when you have forgiven yourself. Not forgiving yourself is an exhibition of the wrong kind of self-love. Self-love is preoccupation with your personal desires; loving yourself is respecting yourself as God intends.
7. It will enable you to fulfill all God has in mind for you and thus keep you from being paralyzed by the past. When you truly believe you are forgiven and you have totally forgiven yourself, it shows. People will want what you have.
8. Your own physical health can be at stake. It has been proven by medical research that holding a grudge can injure your health. Not forgiving yourself is bad for your health, too. This is because you are holding a grudge against yourself!
9. Your mental and emotional health is at stake. The main problem all counselors face- whether their clients have religious backgrounds or not- is that of guilt. It pleases God for His people to have good mental health. Forgiving ourselves is a good place to start.
10. You should forgive yourself because your spiritual state is at stake. There is an inseparable connection between our spiritual health and a good relationship with the Holy Spirit. Forgiving ourselves helps ensure that the anointing is on us; not doing so means that we forfeit a measure of His presence.
I love the song "History" by Matthew West. The more I let the words sink in the more healing I find!
